A lunchtime to forget

It’s about 10 weeks since I left the Anxiety Disorders Residential Unit at Bethlem Royal Hospital. Since leaving it’s fair to say I’ve had some ups and downs. During follow up conversations with my therapist she’s described my post leaving recovery as a ‘slow burn’, but a burn nonetheless. I’ve been back at work around 8 weeks and have been trying to go out every day at lunch, I’ve obviously encountered the odd trigger here and there but nothing really to completely throw me. Today however was something else.

It started off fairly well, but soon it was trigger after trigger after trigger and I’m not talking about some little terror inducing surprises, these were big fucking triggers. The big monster under your bed. The giant spider in the bath sort of triggers. I’m currently sat at my desk writing this, trying to hold it together; my heart is racing, my eyes watering and my cheeks burning. I want to run away but at the same time I feel like I can’t move. I’m going over every detail of every exposure, doubting my actions and wanting to engage in all of my cleaning rituals. I feel disappointed that I let the OCD win at times but strong for still being here. It’s about owning the little victories after all.

But still, today has made me realise that I still have so much to overcome and that in reality it’s only going to get harder as I attempt to challenge the more ingrained safety behaviours. It’s a long road ahead and whilst exhausted I can honestly say I want to keep going. I want to be able to have a child and feel able to pick up something they’ve dropped on the pavement whilst out for a stroll, even if there are brown marks there. I want to be able to change my child’s nappy whilst having POCD thoughts and keep moving forward, not asking for reassurance from my partner. I want to be free of this horrendous condition and most of all I want my family and future child to be free of it.

OCD: The Selfish Side-Effects

If someone were to ask me what I felt was the most challenging and upsetting part of living with OCD, I'm pretty certain it would be the selfish (albeit often unintentional) aspect of the disorder. More specifically, the prevention of me being able to take into account the thoughts and/or feelings of others, particularly when I'm having a difficult time in coping with the day to day safety behaviours or ebb and flow of emotions and anxiety. 

I think perhaps the most poignant of examples of this is when my boyfriend returned home after attending his Nan's funeral last month. The 'real me' wanted to wrap my arms around him as he came through the door and preceded to walk towards me, but the OCD side of me couldn’t shake the feeling that he was contaminated and may have come into contact with a dog whilst outside. 

Unfortunately on this occasion it was the later which won and I've honestly never felt more frustrated, upset and lonely as a result. This is someone who means the world to me and yet because of a mere malfunctioning of neurons in the brain I was unable to show him the compassion and love he so deserved that afternoon. It was then that I realised I couldn’t let this ever happen again. Now I’m not saying this will be easy, as I'm almost certain that if confronted with a similar situation at this point I would do the same, however, what haschanged is my utter determination to resist the urge to run and hide. Of course this is a determination I strive to achieve each day, however this one moment affected me in ways I hadn’t experienced prior and was a complete 180 of my 'true self'. 

I don't really have much else to say, other than if you're faced with a similar issue, please don't punish yourself like I did. Instead talk with your loved one and explain to them that you’re not forsaking their feelings for your fears. However most importantly of all try, try and try some more because sometimes that’s all you can do. It won't be easy and even if you have to shower for an hour after, just hug them because touch is a very special thing in this world and I can guarantee it will bring you out of your thoughts and into the present. No matter how terrifying that may be, it will be worth it. 

Thanks for reading,

Becca

A Bit of 'Me' Time

Hey Guys,

I hope you're all doing well. I'm sorry for my lack of blogging recently-I'd love to say I've been off galavanting around having the time of my life-but sadly this isn't the case. I've been finding things incredibly stressful and draining recently. Work for starters has just been beyond manic and I'm due to take on yet more responsibility soon, which is a little daunting. On top of that it's the usual balancing act of family, friends and relationship...oh and that little thing OCD. For those of you who have OCD, I'm sure you'll have an understanding of how utterly exhausting it can be. Take the usual daily stresses, money, work, marriage and add another huge pile of crap on top-that crap is OCD.

I also encountered a rather large setback in the form of Amsterdam in August...BOY OH BOY was that a tricky 5 days....my anxiety was crippling, my relationship barely survived and my brain just wanted to hide away for eternity. Tears were had and I admittedly spent the remainder of my annual leave hiding  from the world in my bedroom, before retuning to the stress pit that is work. All in all it was a very difficult trip, there were good parts, don't get me wrong but I think it was a case of too much too soon and for too long. I will do a video on this, I did do one when I got back but the sound mucked up...Winner.

Anyway...back to OCD.....

Just when I have my OCD under control, there it pops up, disguised as something different, making it hard for me to recognise and as a result, question myself. Sometimes it will be contamination, other times intrusive thoughts and often checking. It's a nice little switch between harrowing thoughts, annoying compulsions and an exhausted mind.

I have also recently reduced my medication which may account for my slightly 'off' mood. Depression is a funny thing, it creeps up oh so cautiously and then BAM, without any real warning signs you're in it, and at that point, its incredibly difficult to see a way out. I try and focus on the things in my life which are wonderful; my family, boyfriend and friends but depression and ocd don't really take these things into account. No matter how good everything seems, my mind just detaches from reality and I go venturing into the forest of my mind, unsure of which way to go....I could really do with a trail map for my head....a nice little layout so I know which way to turn for HAPPINESS.

Right, so this was a pretty pointless blogpost but I just wanted to say, to any of you feeling a little deflated, stressed, down or just fed up, IT'S OKAY. We all have those days, weeks, even months, but it's important not to ignore those feelings and to talk to someone if you're really struggling.

Things that make me happy:

Films - of any kind really.
Reading.
Painting my nails.
It's Friday tomorrow.
My bed.

What makes YOU happy?
Make a list and try and focus on these things....if all fails eat copies amounts of jelly beans.

Thanks
Becca xoxo

Exposure Challenge-A Morning at the Beach

Hi Guys,

SO...today was quite a weird day. I stayed at my boyfriend Dan's last night, as I'm off work this week. However, lovely as it was, it meant getting up at 6.45am so he could drop me back before he went off to work. On the ride home I sat staring out at the utterly GORGEOUS day outside,  in the UK our sunny warm days are seriously numbered, especially in March! So, I threw caution to the wind and decided that today would be the day I take a long country walk/cycle ride.

I had planned to do it all week but both OCD fear and pyjamas were keeping me inside but today I decided I had procrastinated enough! So upon arriving home I quickly donned a bit of makeup, brushed my hair and grabbed my backpack. Before my bed had a chance to seduce me, I had jumped on my bike and was hurtling down the road!

It's a good 15/20 minute ride down to Langstone, however, once I get out of the traffic near my house, it's just a long, quiet country road down to the shore; HEAVEN.

I stopped quite a few times on the way to take some photo's. It was just such a beautiful day, everything was so peaceful which gave me an inner sense of calm; something much needed when you're about to embark on an exposure task!

I arrived at the shore, parked up my bike and sat on a bench. I felt extremely uncomfortable and admittedly did scan a little before sitting down. But once I did....WOW. I haven't been able to do that in YEARS. Park up my bike, sit down amongst a muddy floor, somewhat questionably stained bench and just enjoy the view without obsessing about what that stain was or if I had touched it. Don't get me wrong, those thoughts were running around my mind faster than Usain Bolt...but I was able to just let them come..... and inevitably GO.

With the first hurdle over of actually leaving the house and making it down here, I decided to text my Mum, Dad and Dan, just to let them know how I was getting on. At which point the cutest yet grubbiest shaggy chocolate spaniel bounded out of nowhere and jumped all over me...and I mean ALL OVER. He was on my lap, paws in hair, the works. Needless to say I laughed it off to the owner, who was nothing but apologetic but inside I was screaming. I suddenly felt extremely overwhelmed and almost packed it in and went off home. But then I started thinking, NO. Keep going. It's not going to harm you, he's just a dog, dogs have germs, people have germs, he's not smothered in poo (HOPEFULLY). There were some questionable stains on my jeans post attack, but I decided to venture on regardless and walk up along the beach.

I saw dog poo within the first few minutes, my heart started racing as I steered my bike around. I looked back once as a little reassurance check which annoyed me but I couldn't be too hard on myself given what I was doing after so many years of avoidance. I carried on up the beach, again stopping every now and then to take photos and vlog. I thought it would be good to have a live record of the experience to reflect on later, as proof that I hadn't gone blind and nothing too awful happened!

As much as the anxiety was crippling my enjoyment slightly, I DID enjoy myself. I love Langstone harbour and always have done. It's just so quiet and serene and reminded me of why I love where I live so much. Anyway, back to exposure, I decided to keep going a little way further, I saw a woman with her dog and decided to take some snaps as the dog was so energetic and funny to watch. I then sat down again on a bench, once again having a quick scan but nothing too detrimental to the exposure. Here, I did my final vlog entry before making my way home.

I decided to go a different route home, so as to keep up with the unfamiliarity and continue to challenge myself. It was VERY MUDDY. I did get a bit stressed but it was also quite funny, I nearly lost my bike chain about 6 times on the terrain. I then thought I would go and see my Grandad at the cemetery, I hadn't been for years and just wanted to say 'Hi' and give him a bit of an update. I know how much my Mum misses him so I wanted to pay him a visit and give him her love.

It was then that I started to make my way home. I was exhausted! Both mentally and physically, I was muddy and wanted nothing more than to disinfect my entire body. But I came home and instead decided to sort some of my shoes out and have a nice relaxing bath afterwards, but not immediately! I sat with the anxiety for a little while and whilst I admittedly dettol wiped my phone, which again was a bit frustrating, I had to remember what I had just done and how HUGE that was. I had gone outside and ENJOYED it.

I felt a sense of freedom for the first time in years...and a little more myself again...

Here are some pictures of my day :)

Thank you for reading.

Becca xoxo

OCD and Reassurance

I know I know...BUT

Hey Guys,

Today is a kind of partner to my video on Reassurance. Since I'm still new to the whole video thing and don't want to do a word-for-word write script for fear of losing sincerity, I inevitably miss out things.

A few words I missed in this video, when describing reassurance with regards to OCD, were DOUBT and AVOIDANCE.

Whilst I touched on doubt, only using the word trust instead to describe my lack of self-belief, I completely avoided...avoidance! Avoidance and reassurance, without question go hand in hand. I use reassurance from others as a way of avoiding sitting with the anxiety. When I walk down the street and see poo, rather than spend the rest of the day wondering if I trod in it, I'm going to ask my Mum, or a friend, whoever I'm with,  'I know I didn't....BUT....did I?' With their one word response 'No', I instantly feel alleviated of any anxiety and whilst this relief may only be temporary, it sure beats me fighting the thoughts of contamination and blindness racing around my mind.

But this isn't good. Reassurance may seem like a quick fix but it's just that, a quick fix which will only fuel the long term belief and in turn, keep you coming back for more. So next time, when you've done something or seen something or had an intrusive thought and are ready to ask someone for a reassuring word...just try sitting with that 'unknown' and anxiety for a few minutes...I can guarantee it will only help in the long run.

Thanks for reading.

Becca
xoxo

Setbacks and OCD

Hi Guys,

Today I wanted to talk about setbacks and OCD. I recently received some bad news in my life.It was rather upsetting and as a result I'm now feeling quite a bit of stress and disappointment. In the past I have unintentionally turned to my OCD in times of crisis, as a way of redeeming a sense of control I guess? Who knows... However, this time I refuse to use my OCD as a coping mechanism. Don't get me wrong, its not as if I've purposefully sought refuge in my illness, it's more of a fallback or a knee-jerk reaction to my emotions.

I guess it goes a little something like this...

Feeling down or stressed=OCD behaviours become more dominant.

Having spoken with some of you, I think it's a fairly common issue. When thinking back across the years, I can definitely identify certain times in my life in which my OCD was more prevalent. For example,during a particularly troubling relationship, throughout my time at University and during bouts of depression, which in turn, fuelled the OCD even more.

The point of this post was basically to say that it's okay to feel when something bad happens in your life. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel a sense of sorrow or disappointment, right? The point I wanted to make was that it's fine to feel, but know when this feeling is feeding into other areas of you mind, or life. For me, it's my OCD. I hide behind my illness and use it as an excuse to label everything in my life as negative. I have to remember that this recent bad news is a mere setback, it doesn't tarnish the rest of my life, it is an isolated event which I will amend, not sink into.

I think it's important to recognise that sometimes things in life go a bit off track. No one is particularly to blame, it's just life. But do try to not let this bring you down and don't hide within your illness, whether its OCD, and eating disorder or depression. Instead, choose to see all the positives, whether it be your family, friends, a shopping trip, a holiday, or even just an evening in watching your favourite show on Netflix with a pack of cookies.

Falling further into your illness won't rectify the situation, it will simply allow you to avoid the pain you're naturally entitled to feel via cleaning or hooking into intrusive thoughts. So let's try and  focus on the positives in life a little more and face setbacks HEAD ON.

Thanks for reading
Becca xoxo