If someone were to ask me what I felt was the most challenging and upsetting part of living with OCD, I'm pretty certain it would be the selfish (albeit often unintentional) aspect of the disorder. More specifically, the prevention of me being able to take into account the thoughts and/or feelings of others, particularly when I'm having a difficult time in coping with the day to day safety behaviours or ebb and flow of emotions and anxiety.
I think perhaps the most poignant of examples of this is when my boyfriend returned home after attending his Nan's funeral last month. The 'real me' wanted to wrap my arms around him as he came through the door and preceded to walk towards me, but the OCD side of me couldn’t shake the feeling that he was contaminated and may have come into contact with a dog whilst outside.
Unfortunately on this occasion it was the later which won and I've honestly never felt more frustrated, upset and lonely as a result. This is someone who means the world to me and yet because of a mere malfunctioning of neurons in the brain I was unable to show him the compassion and love he so deserved that afternoon. It was then that I realised I couldn’t let this ever happen again. Now I’m not saying this will be easy, as I'm almost certain that if confronted with a similar situation at this point I would do the same, however, what haschanged is my utter determination to resist the urge to run and hide. Of course this is a determination I strive to achieve each day, however this one moment affected me in ways I hadn’t experienced prior and was a complete 180 of my 'true self'.
I don't really have much else to say, other than if you're faced with a similar issue, please don't punish yourself like I did. Instead talk with your loved one and explain to them that you’re not forsaking their feelings for your fears. However most importantly of all try, try and try some more because sometimes that’s all you can do. It won't be easy and even if you have to shower for an hour after, just hug them because touch is a very special thing in this world and I can guarantee it will bring you out of your thoughts and into the present. No matter how terrifying that may be, it will be worth it.
Thanks for reading,
Becca
I have been there many times my friend. I am thankful I have mostly recovered from those fears, though I still will do this avoiding hugging or touching people if they're been around say a hospital or something, as I struggled many years with germ and blood phobias. Keep hanging in there. It is possible to beat it!!
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