SO...today was quite a weird day. I stayed at my boyfriend Dan's last night, as I'm off work this week. However, lovely as it was, it meant getting up at 6.45am so he could drop me back before he went off to work. On the ride home I sat staring out at the utterly GORGEOUS day outside, in the UK our sunny warm days are seriously numbered, especially in March! So, I threw caution to the wind and decided that today would be the day I take a long country walk/cycle ride.
I had planned to do it all week but both OCD fear and pyjamas were keeping me inside but today I decided I had procrastinated enough! So upon arriving home I quickly donned a bit of makeup, brushed my hair and grabbed my backpack. Before my bed had a chance to seduce me, I had jumped on my bike and was hurtling down the road!
It's a good 15/20 minute ride down to Langstone, however, once I get out of the traffic near my house, it's just a long, quiet country road down to the shore; HEAVEN.
I stopped quite a few times on the way to take some photo's. It was just such a beautiful day, everything was so peaceful which gave me an inner sense of calm; something much needed when you're about to embark on an exposure task!
I arrived at the shore, parked up my bike and sat on a bench. I felt extremely uncomfortable and admittedly did scan a little before sitting down. But once I did....WOW. I haven't been able to do that in YEARS. Park up my bike, sit down amongst a muddy floor, somewhat questionably stained bench and just enjoy the view without obsessing about what that stain was or if I had touched it. Don't get me wrong, those thoughts were running around my mind faster than Usain Bolt...but I was able to just let them come..... and inevitably GO.
With the first hurdle over of actually leaving the house and making it down here, I decided to text my Mum, Dad and Dan, just to let them know how I was getting on. At which point the cutest yet grubbiest shaggy chocolate spaniel bounded out of nowhere and jumped all over me...and I mean ALL OVER. He was on my lap, paws in hair, the works. Needless to say I laughed it off to the owner, who was nothing but apologetic but inside I was screaming. I suddenly felt extremely overwhelmed and almost packed it in and went off home. But then I started thinking, NO. Keep going. It's not going to harm you, he's just a dog, dogs have germs, people have germs, he's not smothered in poo (HOPEFULLY). There were some questionable stains on my jeans post attack, but I decided to venture on regardless and walk up along the beach.
I saw dog poo within the first few minutes, my heart started racing as I steered my bike around. I looked back once as a little reassurance check which annoyed me but I couldn't be too hard on myself given what I was doing after so many years of avoidance. I carried on up the beach, again stopping every now and then to take photos and vlog. I thought it would be good to have a live record of the experience to reflect on later, as proof that I hadn't gone blind and nothing too awful happened!
As much as the anxiety was crippling my enjoyment slightly, I DID enjoy myself. I love Langstone harbour and always have done. It's just so quiet and serene and reminded me of why I love where I live so much. Anyway, back to exposure, I decided to keep going a little way further, I saw a woman with her dog and decided to take some snaps as the dog was so energetic and funny to watch. I then sat down again on a bench, once again having a quick scan but nothing too detrimental to the exposure. Here, I did my final vlog entry before making my way home.
I decided to go a different route home, so as to keep up with the unfamiliarity and continue to challenge myself. It was VERY MUDDY. I did get a bit stressed but it was also quite funny, I nearly lost my bike chain about 6 times on the terrain. I then thought I would go and see my Grandad at the cemetery, I hadn't been for years and just wanted to say 'Hi' and give him a bit of an update. I know how much my Mum misses him so I wanted to pay him a visit and give him her love.
It was then that I started to make my way home. I was exhausted! Both mentally and physically, I was muddy and wanted nothing more than to disinfect my entire body. But I came home and instead decided to sort some of my shoes out and have a nice relaxing bath afterwards, but not immediately! I sat with the anxiety for a little while and whilst I admittedly dettol wiped my phone, which again was a bit frustrating, I had to remember what I had just done and how HUGE that was. I had gone outside and ENJOYED it.
I felt a sense of freedom for the first time in years...and a little more myself again...
Here are some pictures of my day :)
Thank you for reading.
Becca xoxo
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