Hi everyone,
I apologise for having disappeared from the blog world recently. My life has done a complete 180 yet again, although this time for the better. Despite my OCD having not really improved, about three months ago I decided to begin volunteering at a local college, just to get myself a little socialised again! After all, its not a great sign when your social life consists solely of a one way conversation with Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield. So yeah, I began helping out with the careers department which was brilliant. The college is somewhere I have always felt comfortable. My mum works there and has done for the majority of my life, I also studied there and have worked there on and off throughout the years.
This was a big change as it pushed me, but not too much. After encountering a fair few mental breakdowns with regards to my OCD, I now have a much better understanding of my limits. Anyway, this gradually improved my confidence and I began to open up again. I then through complete chance and rather unexpectedly, met someone who also worked at the college. I won't go into too much detail as I like to keep some aspects of my life private but lets just say he's a good one and has been extremely understanding with regards to my condition and my limitations. During this time I also received an invitation to interview for a local marketing firm and luckily got the job. This was a huge deal for me and admittedly probably a little soon considering, however, I am 3 months in now and it's going well. As I still struggle with outside, I often get taxi's into work, however, I have plucked up the courage to ride my bike several times which, although stressful, has also felt great. Thats the worst part of my OCD, I used to walk everywhere and loved being outside and walking at night at University. I feel that is something my OCD has really robbed me of, my freedom. On a much larger note, I have even managed to venture outside for lunch on the odd occasion. This is most definitely at the top of my anxiety scale, walking up to town from my building. The path is tricky and I undoubtedly see things every time which I convince myself are dog poo.
Today, for example, was a particularly harrowing experience. There were countless marks and unidentifiable masses on the floor which I had to avoid with each step. Another thing which I particularly hate about this OCD is that I used to love autumn, it has always been my favourite season, but now its tainted. The fallen golden leaves, when mushed into the pavement resemble poo, so my once ideal is now a nightmare! Anyway, back to today....I ventured out, even bought myself a dress from the charity shop (really pushing the boat out, I know) but hey, it was a little reward to myself for getting myself out of the office and into the poo pit, or outside world....take your pick.
The problem with OCD is it isn't just the momentary fear and anxiety which plagues sufferers, this fades, it's the after effects, the doubting, the what-ifs? Upon returning to the office, it's fair to say I felt anxious and uncomfortable all afternoon and repeatedly wanted to check the soles of my boots. And even now, I know tomorrow I will think the floor's contaminated. But I know this is what I MUST do to challenge myself, otherwise I really will just never leave the house ever again and I'll be back with Phillip and Holly on the sofa once more. It's hard but I'm currently managing to balance a social life with friends and family, a relationship and a job, things which I never thought possible so soon into my recovery, but I'm doing them.
I also really wanted to briefly discuss the BBC3 recent show 'Extreme OCD Camp', in which a select few OCD sufferers set about beginning to conquer their illness and open up about the condition. I found this show to be the most heart-wrenching, sensitive, accurate and honest portrayal on television to date and really cannot express enough how comforting and inspiring I found the program. I have a great deal of respect for all those involved and encourage anyone interested in the condition to watch.
So yeah, I think they're all my updates for now. I just try and stick to the notion, 'take each day'.
Becca xoxo
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