Mid-week Musings...

Hey everyone,

So today is Wednesday....basically Thursday.... so practically the weekend...no? Ever the optimist...

Today I wanted to talk a little about the past two weeks. There have been some ups and in response some downs, but that's kind of how these things go.

After my last post on depression, as luck would have it (sarcasm) I had an episode, albeit an extremely brief one, for which I'm incredibly grateful. It begun on a Wednesday and as I described before, crept up on me like a thief in the night, and before I knew it I had that feeling of  hopelessness. I was teary, exhausted and unsociable. It was as if all of my insecurities suddenly had a spot light upon them and I just felt overwhelmed by everything and just wanted to go hide in my bed for eternity.

Thankfully, I had a meeting with my psychologist on the Friday, which provided me with an opportunity to vent to a neutral source about how I was feeling. As much as I usually shy away from discussing my feelings during a depressive episode, it felt good to share my thoughts and I came out feeling ready to tackle the issues haunting me and address them head-on. Thankfully within a couple of days my mood had improved substantially and I feel a lot of this was to do with mindfulness and not avoiding the issues and thoughts in my head.

I can honestly say I have never experienced such a brief spell of low mood and hope that the next one is just as forgiving, however, if and when that happens, I plan to attack it in the same way, proactively and head on.

The following week was considerably more positive and even involved a visit to London. As you know from my previous posts, London is not my favourite place. It represents a period of my life which I would rather forget and causes my anxiety levels to sky rocket. However, I refused to let my OCD prevent me from attending yet another event and chose to act in a way consistent with my goals and beliefs, as opposed to my OCD.

My oldest and closest friend and I had planned to go to the concert of a band we had loved since childhood. I had booked the day off work in order to mentally prepare myself and relax as much as possible, prior to the evenings activities. It's fair to say the journey to Hammersmith was filled with anxiety and stress. Upon arriving at Waterloo, I was immediately reminded of past feelings of loneliness, depression and exhaustion. There was a moment in Boots as Hannah and I stocked up on some essentials, that I thought back to all the times I had visited this store alone, buying countless numbers of antibacterial gel and Carex hand wash, feeling like a drug addict in search of their next hit. As I looked at Hannah stood next to me at the till, I felt the tears forming in my eyes, however, I chose to acknowledge the feelings and let them go, focusing on the present moment. I wasn't alone anymore in the midst of my illness, I was here with my best friend, about to attend the gig of a band we had loved since our pre-teen years. I wasn't buying soap, I was now in a different place. I won't say it was easy, but I got through it and can honestly say I had a great evening, we laughed, we sang (badly) and it felt a little like old times again, when I actually would enjoy going out.

Queueing outside the venue was probably the worst part. We were guided through a maze of pavements in darkness, as we weaved through I was scanning the ground for any dark patches and I inevitably saw things which caused me anxiety. However, I simply accepted this and moved forward. Hannah did her best to reassure me, and whist I originally appreciated this, after a few seconds thought, I said out loud, 'the thing is, I shouldn't be thinking it's probably not poo, I should just think it is and think it's not going to hurt me'. That was undoubtedly a huge step for my thought processes and despite the anxiety staying with me throughout the evening, it did reduce and I managed to enjoy myself.

I think I most definitely need to ensure I keep practising the mindfulness techniques and realise when I am using the various negative thought processes. However, I feel that the little I do know at the moment has helped me in challenging the OCD thoughts.

I have an incredibly long journey ahead still, but at last I feel I am beginning to live my life in a way which is consistent with MY beliefs and desires, as opposed to the OCD thoughts.

Thanks for reading.
Becca xoxo