Hey everyone,
First let me start by apologising for my lack of blogging activity as of late, had a bit of a mare with my gmail account and so had to create a whole new one which, as you have probably realised, meant I had to then copy over all the posts from my blog onto this new one (NIGHTMARE-gah, technology). So yes, sorry! Also, on a side note, why do Goggle make it ny-on impossible to recover your account...just a hint big guys.
Anyway, today is Mental Health Awareness day and so I really wanted to ensure I nailed down a post today of all days.
I really wanted to talk about an aspect of my life which I haven't really discussed in too much detail, and that's my battle with depression-I'm not going to harp on, I just feel it requires a little explanation. So far my main focus has been with the OCD, as this is the more prevalent of the two currently. However, depression is always just a few steps behind, lurking. Similarly to the OCD, I've suffered with depression throughout most of my life, since the onset of adolescence. It seemed as soon as I hit puberty, gone were the days where my lowest mood revolved around whether or not an episode of The Fresh Prince was a repeat on BBC2 and instead I began to experience deeply unsettling moods which would linger for days, even weeks at a time.
I was put on 'the pill' in the hope of calming down my mood swings, but to little avail and I pretty much continued like this for years. Although as I grew older, I noticed my low moods would also grow in severity and length of time. Once alcohol and boys were introduced, these just fuelled the fire which resulted in a nice little cocktail of the depression mixed with the quintessential teenage woes of heartache and binge drinking.
It was only within the past three or four years that antidepressants were introduced to me. I was extremely hesitant after hearing horror stories of dependency and withdrawal, but in the end it seemed to be the only solution. After testing out a variety of brands, I finally settled with Sertraline, which so far seems to be doing the trick. I recall the worst being Chlomipramine (sp?), I mean 'WOW', did they ever turn me into a fully fledged 'nutter'. I was aggressive, hysterical and when I wasn't either screaming/crying, I was asleep, tranquillised to the gills! (obviously, different people have different reactions to different brands, so please discuss this with your doctor, this is just my experience).
So as I said, now I've settled rather nicely into Sertraline, my moods have stabilised and I feel like me again. It's funny, someone asked me the other day 'I wonder what you'd be like if you weren't on your meds?'. I replied 'this is me', without sounding too cliche, 'this is me', and it is. The medication doesn't alter my personality, rather it allows it to shine through all the crap. The depression steals myself from...myself. Often people remark on how antidepressants leave them numb and whilst I can understand this, I don't feel this way. I can honestly say I haven't felt this 'myself' in a long time and it's really, really NICE (for want of a better word).
The scary thing is, I've recently reduced my dosage, in the hope of eventually being med free, and this got me thinking. The thing I am most scared of (on par with dog mess even) is having another episode. Whilst blindness is my ultimate fear, I can honestly say a depressive episode is just as detrimental and terrifying in terms of my general existence. Depression is like a stalker in one of my crappy horror slasher films. It gives no warning, no siren or alarm will sound, it just appears one day and surprises you and once it's there you have no idea where it came from or how long it's going to stick around for. That's the scary part...the not knowing.
However, I do feel more capable of recognising the triggers for these episodes. I now have a much better understanding of my limits, that's probably the one thing I have taken from the London episode; not to push to the point of no return, to recognise and seek help or remove myself from that situation.
This was the point of this post really, if any of you are in a situation which you feel is potentially detrimental to you, please try and seek some guidance, I took a while and tried to resolve the issue alone which was both upsetting and destructive. If you have any questions or just need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to say 'hi', I know I would have appreciated something similar when I felt my most alone a year ago.
Thanks
Becca xoxo
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